Dear Younger Me,

Today is our 50th Birthday. I know you think you probably won’t make it this far, but here we are. So, if I could tell you a few things that I have learned so far, maybe things would/could be a tad easier for you. So let’s start.

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  1. Relax…a lot. It’s really not that big a deal whatever is bugging you at the moment. It’ll pass.
  2. Keep on wearing that cobalt blue eyeshadow. It really does look good on you.
  3. TAKE YOUR MAKEUP OFF before you go to sleep for Pete’s sake.
  4. DON’T GET A PERM. Believe it or not, you have wavy/curly hair, but you just don’t know it because you’re always blow drying it straight! LOOK AT THAT BABY PICTURE on the fireplace mantle! See the curls? THEY ARE YOURS. Perms will just frizz up your hair and ruin it every time.
  5. Buy extra hairspray. That little brother of yours keeps using it and that’s why you’re always running out so quickly.
  6. Keep on playing piano. Don’t quit before you finish your grade 10.
  7. In fact, start learning to play other instruments. I know you play the guitar, but start the violin earlier than me which was in my late 30s. You’ll love it I promise. Learn to play the cello too. And while your at it, the oboe as well.
  8. Keep dancing! Keep singing! Just keep being musical. It’s part of you and you need it to survive.
  9. Don’t stop drawing or painting either. You’ll miss it.
  10. Don’t stop taking French.
  11. When you get that letter in University inviting you into the English Honours program, DO IT. Don’t just laugh it off and throw it away.
  12. Spend more time with mama…she won’t be with you for much longer and you will miss her every day when she’s gone.
  13. Keep gardening.
  14. Don’t bother dyeing your hair once the grey starts to really show. Just let it go. You’ll love it and will realize it’s one of the best decisions you’ve ever made. And wow, you’ll save SO MUCH MONEY not dyeing it every 8 weeks.
  15. Please wear your hair in a high ponytail for your wedding.
  16. Get the epidural when you’re in labour with Marky. Don’t be a hero for once in your life.
  17. Don’t go to that first Weight Watchers meeting where the leader told you that you didn’t need to lose weight and that you were fine. Because you are. Listen to her. Because it’s that moment you started fucking around with your weight that ruins it for the rest for your life.
  18. Wear lipstick all the time.
  19. Learn to swim stupid.
  20. Have the fries once in awhile.
  21. Stay out of the sun. Seriously. You don’t tan. Accept it.
  22. Get a telescope. Look at the stars.
  23. Go to bed earlier.
  24. Pull Marky out of school more often and go for holidays. Or just let her have a home day every once in awhile. Ease up on school. She hates it. And so do you.
  25. And while we’re on that subject, don’t make her take MATH20. She won’t need it. It’ll save you a lot of headaches trying to teach her all that algebra every night.
  26. Don’t bother with contacts, you’ll end up hating them. Plus glasses are gonna get way cooler-just wait.
  27. Don’t give away your leather motorcycle jacket because it was too big for you at the time.
  28. Step away from buying the blush…you don’t need ALL of them. I promise.
  29. Read more.
  30. When you build your bungalow, let the builders finish the basement. Don’t let Terry say he’ll do it, because he’ll never have the time to.
  31. Get an SUV earlier. It’s just so much easier to go places with it. And you love road trips. You really do.
  32. See more of Canada with that SUV too. It’s a big, beautiful country.
  33. Salmon isn’t that bad. Eat more of it.
  34. Make more soups.
  35. Give up on heels, you really hate them. And so do your feet.
  36. Wear hats all the time.
  37. Don’t stop riding your bike after you get diagnosed with MS.
  38. Don’t try to keep some family members in your life just because they’re family. Toxic people no matter who they are do not deserve you and will just suck any joy from your life. Let them go.
  39. I know you’re a good listener. But you also need someone to listen to YOU every once in awhile.
  40. Take that Zumba class a lot sooner. It’ll save you in more ways than you can ever realize, and you’ll find so many souls that are just like you.
  41. Don’t be afraid of being in pictures.
  42. It’s ok to have a messy house when people are over. Nobody is perfect.
  43. Invite friends over for dinner more often.
  44. Watch more sunsets.
  45. Be outside as much as you can. It really does feed your soul.
  46. Go to the mountains as often as you can.
  47. Keep taking pictures. Take MORE.
  48. One kid really is enough.
  49. Write down things you want to remember. I know it’s hard to believe right now because your memory is a beast to behold, but there will come a day when you won’t remember some things that happened to you.
  50. Stop feeling guilty about everything. You’re gonna be ok. I promise.

Love,  Fifty-Year Old You

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Today is the greatest
Day I’ve ever known
Can’t wait for tomorrow,
I might not have that long
I’ll tear my heart out
Before I get out

~Wilamette Stone version of the Smashing Pumpkins song, Today

I’ve been sick the last few days, and therefore not doing much. And I’m by myself too. So, that means I can watch whatever movie comes on with no whining from Terry HAHA! Seriously, he’d watch the movie I, Robot every day if it were on 😛 I love my hubby, and I love Will Smith, but that movie is not one of my faves by the guy. Gimme I Am Legend any day, or Pursuit of Happyness-those are Will Smith GOLD movies.
Anyways, yesterday I happened to catch the movie If I Stay, based off of a YA novel that I guess is much loved. If you’ve never read the book or seen the (kinda’sappy) movie, I’ll fill you in. It’s about Mia, who happens to be a talented young cellist, that feels out of place in her rock n’ roll family. She meets the love of her life, Adam who is also hugely talented and in an up and coming rock band. Mia decides to apply to Juilliard, but that puts a real damper on her relationship with Adam. One snowy day, her and her family get in a car wreck, and Mia ends up in a coma, and of course, has an out of body experience(otherwise that’d be the end of the book/movie lol). She loses everyone in her immediate family while in the coma(mom, dad, and little brother) and has to decide whether she wants to live and fight on, or…well,  join her family and die.

Yeah. I know. Sappy. Predictable stuff to be honest. It wasn’t great, and it wasn’t bad. Just something to keep me from falling asleep with this cold I’ve been battling.

And then, this scene happened:

AND I WAS IN TEARS YOU GUYS.

As she narrates the scene, Mia describes what she finally realizes was the Happiest Day Of Her Life. And that got me thinking about what was mine?! I started thinking, and sure…the old cliché ones came up….getting married, the birth of Marky….

But to be honest? I can’t really say those days were the happiest ever…I mean to me, the happiest day ever would mean a day of pure and utter smiles, bliss… and both of those days, weren’t all smiles and giggles, lets get real. Can a wedding day really be without any worry? ‘Cause mine wasn’t. My mother had really bad arthritis, so the morning of my wedding I had to drive her to the ER so she could get a cortisone shot in her knee so that she could walk relatively pain-free the rest of the day. SIGH. And that’s just ONE example of wedding day troubles for me…I could go on, but eh…you get it I think.

And I don’t know, giving birth for me was a two-day, REALLY painful affair-when I say I was happy, it was because she finally was OUT of my body and it was all over 😛

Nope. Those memories weren’t it. Which made me start thinking again…I know…I shouldn’t think so much. It really is a curse.

Can you REALLY label a day…ONE DAY…to be the Happiest Day Of Your Life? Can you?

I can think of moments where I was REALLY HAPPY. Like the moment Marky said her first word…MOON…as she pointed to a picture in a book I was reading to her…The New Year’s Eve where Terry and I stayed up all night talking about LIFE…our plans….When my worried mama grabbed me a couple of hours before my brother’s wedding to ask me to put some makeup on her, because she was feeling less than glamorous next to the in-laws(who were WAY over the top for a wedding my god-never seen so many sequins on old ladies in my life)….My dad telling little Marky he LOVED her…which changed him… and from then on he never had any problem telling me, or any of us kids that he loved us too…Marky finding out she got into CalARTS wow, I still remember sitting on my bed, eyes closed HOPING YES while she checked on the computer…the first time I was able to run a mile without stopping…How every wedding and dance in my youth I attended and the first polka I danced was with my brother Mark…as soon as the song would start, he’d be there in front of me-it was our tradition, and we’d smile the WHOLE dance…it was so much fun whirling around with my brother…we were REALLY good dancers you guys…bonfires at the beach and singing with my friends all the old, traditional Ukrainian folk songs…

Moments of pure happy. I have loads of them! But to say that a day, ONE day, is the happiest day of my life? Not sure I can think of one, whole, day.

Is that weird? Is it? Am I some kind of freak here? Am I over thinking this? Please. Tell me if I am. I need to know!

SO. What this happy day wondering has done, is make me realize that I haven’t been all that happy lately. Like Mia says in that clip-her parents had a scene, her boyfriend Adam had a scene, and she was alone with her cello, and until that moment…she finally felt part of something, and that made her happy. Weirdly enough, I feel just like that. BAZINGA, right on the mark exactly how I feel lately. Marky is gone at college, Terry still gets to leave and go to work…and then there’s me. Left here. By myself. No scene of my own to feel a part of. And sure, there’s blogging. That’s a scene I guess. But, even in that I feel not so much a part of lately. I’m not one of the bloggers that gets most of the new releases sent to me. And honestly, I don’t care about that…most of the makeup these days is SHITE to be honest. Pffft…most of my happy moments do NOT deal with makeup and stuff, so that wouldn’t make me happy anyways. I have some up and coming things that are kind of exciting though, and I’m really proud to be a part of. That makes me kind of happy I guess?! Yeah. Maybe the problem is that I’ve lost touch with NOTICING those moments…seeing the little things that can make me feel happy.

So….I’ve decided that every day from now on, I’m going to find the happy in every day. Find something, DO something that makes me HAPPY. Even if it’s just looking at the sunset! I love looking at the sky lately for some reason, maybe it’s an aging thing, I don’t know.

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But there’s a certain point in the evening when the light is just…PERFECTION, and you can see everything so clearly. And you have no doubts about what you’re looking at. Is that HAPPY?! Maybe. One thing I’m gonna do that’s gonna bring back the happy for me, is finally get myself a piano again. I really miss music in my life! I miss it a lot. This movie also really made me realize that as well, damn YA novel, teen-pull-at-your-heart-strings-movie…lol. Music was a big part of my life growing up, and I need it back now. I’m sure of that.

I urge you to find the HAPPY in every day as well…to not dwell on the things that bother you. I’m so guilty of doing this, focusing on the one thing in my day that annoyed the F$$K outta’ me. I want to stop it.  In the end, as this movie/book finally says…it really doesn’t matter? Does it?

It’s the HAPPY that does. So, let’s TRY to be HAPPY. Every. Day.

HUGZ,

 Tell me the things that make you happy!